Recovery Thoughts, A half a year later

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It’s ever so hard to believe I am the woman (yes, I daresay woman) that I am today.

I remember endless hours of cold, unfeeling nothings, of limbs that couldn’t work and an ever slowing heart. I remember thinking “This is it, I am over, I have finally lost my mind, I am never going back, point of no return crossed, dropped my basket crazy.”

But I hadn’t.

Perhaps I am still bonkers.

I suspect the greatest of people are. But what I have now that I didn’t before-and I don’t mean lofty things- I mean… Hands that don’t tremble, legs that don’t shake, a stomach that’s still, a mind that’s fed, a heart that doesn’t stutter…That filled up so much of a void that I had…

That I mistook as comfort.

I can’t tell you about my conscious in so many words, as it is, as most people’s are, complicated- but it is not so damn guilty anymore. I do not summon nurses with my low blood pressure anymore. I am not obese, I am not emaciated. I am every other person, I am any person.

But at least I am that again, a person.

Alive and taking up space. Who’d have thought it.


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